Paterfamilias: 5th Grade Shenanigans

Life is good in Yellowbush!

One time, when I was in the fifth grade, me and my buddy Rhett Burke, were goofing off in the restroom with some other boys. Well, Rhett was in a stall with a cup of water, he would flush the commode, holler HELP!, HELP ME!, then take a sip of the water and spurt it up in the air, above the stall.

We were all laughing and wanting him to do it again, when in walks our teacher, unbeknownst to Rhett. So he flushes, hollers for help, spurts the water, and the teacher, Ol’ Chatter, is turning redder by the second, turns and glares at us, which caused us to make a mad rush for the door, leaving poor old Rhett to suffer the consequences alone. Needless to say, he was punished, suffering the loss of recess for a week, or something like that.

Well, strangely enough, me and Rhett were tasked with taking some nearly empty spray cans to the dumpster a few weeks later. We get out in the teachers parking lot, which was between the school and the dumpster, when Rhett pulls out a lighter, or matches, one or the two, and says to watch this. He then proceeds to strike the match or whichever, and took one of the cans and sprayed it over the flame. It was like a flame thrower! Man, it was thrilling! He did it several times, and we were really laughing, until we looked up and saw Chatter and the principle watching us.

There was no where to run or hide. I tried to throw Rhett under the bus, but this time, the guilty association stuck. If it had been a man principle, we’d a took a beating, and been done, but it wasn’t a man, so we were severely brow beaten, which I have since learned is a talent most women have.

So we were placed in the back of the class room, in what Chatter called “incommunicado“. As far as I could tell, it meant we weren’t supposed to talk with the other students.

Y’all remember how you could take the ink cartridges out of those Bic pens? They were accurate spit wad shooters. From the back of that room, we peppered our buddies until they were forced to retaliate, which caused the great spit wad war of the fifth grade. It lasted about six weeks. Finnally, Mrs. Chaddick surrendered, and placed us back among the population of boys and girls. We learned her a lesson, lol.

Even back then, every day was a Saturday.

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